Great Minds. [ caleb & jamie | continued ]

caleb ryan sarcelier · Subject: Great Minds. [ caleb & jamie | continued ] March 11th 2009, 2:35 am

He was mad at those guys. Maybe they wern't even looking at them- but even so he felt the need to protect Jamie. Jamie was like his little brother, or somehting. He liked him. What had they done to him to make him get so scared?
Jamie grabbed his arm suddenly and he appeared faint. "Wo" It happend so fast. "Are you okay? Here, sit down and I'll bring you your food. What do you want? I'll pay..." He moved so he could look more closely at Jamie. He was concered considerably. Jamie's sudden weakness came out of nowhere. "Are you faint of hunger? What is it? " He wanted to say, 'Tell me or I'll go crazy', but he kept it to himself.

He had known Jamie a little short of two hours and he was already willing to do anything for him. To wait on him or nurse him. He was begining to feel faint himself and this time it wasn't because of hunger.

jamie lynn cross · Subject: Re: Great Minds. [ caleb & jamie | continued ] March 11th 2009, 3:01 am

You are making a scene. You are drawing attention and there is no reason for you to be acting so strangely. You are being irrational and making Caleb nervous. You just got here and you are not going to leave so snap out of it. No one is attacking you and all you are doing is remembering things and if you stop thinking about them they can't hurt you.

It amazed him how his conscious could be cool as a cucumber in July when he was in the middle of a nervous breakdown. It also bothered him how that was all easier said than done. But he forced himself to look Caleb in the eyes and count his breaths. Eventually he was able to speak.

"I'm sorry. No one did anything...really. I was just remembering things. But they don't...matter, really. I mean, they do...but I don't want to talk about them...really. Mostly...you don't want to hear them. You'll just...not want to talk to me. And I really...I want you to be my friend, so I...I don't want to scare you off already. Maybe...I'll tell you my secrets when you...tell me yours." He took a deep breath and leaned back.

"You don't have to pay, really. But I don't want to go back up there. So if I give you money...?" He didn't finish the sentence. He didn't want to flat out ask a favor, which he was doing anyways, but at least this way Caleb had to infer what he meant and he didn't have to listen to himself sound like a lump of total uselessness. "Maybe I can make it up to you later. I'll owe you, or something." He gave a faint smile that showed he was feeling better.

Whatever the hell that was all about, it really needed to not happen again. Or at least, not around other people.

caleb ryan sarcelier · Subject: Re: Great Minds. [ caleb & jamie | continued ] March 11th 2009, 3:15 am

Caleb carefully hung on each word Jamie was saying making sure not to miss anything. He was sure his concern showed on his face but he didn't mind- he wanted to show Jamie he cared without having to say so. "Okay, I understand if you don't want to talk about them." He remembered that Jamie had said the same thing to him when he was in Jamie's shoes and he thought it nice that they both had a mutual respect for one another. "For the record though, it takes a lot for me to not want to be someones friend once I open up to them. I doubt you have anything to worry about." He smiled to assure Jamie and to his surprise rested his hand on his shoulder. His eyes met Jamie's and he removed his hand just as abruptly as he had put it there.

He paused for a moment and added "If it would make you feel more comforable to share your secrets to someone who cares" like me he thought "I'll be happy to listen and I won't think less of you. I'll share my secrets too." He blushed a little. He noted how much he liked his eyes and wondered why that was relivant to anything relating to the current situation. He blushed.

He coughed, "Oh yeah, no problem," and smiled and took the money from his hand. "What would you like?"

He walked back up to the spot where he was in line, and fortunately there was stil no one behind him in line so he wouldn't be accused of cutting in line. He was glad to see that Jamie was feeling better and was looking forward to not only eating, but sharing stories with him. He wondered what could be so bad about what Jamie had to share. He then remembered his story and started worrying more about himself. If he was going to share it with anyone it should be with someone like him.

jamie lynn cross · Subject: Re: Great Minds. [ caleb & jamie | continued ] March 16th 2009, 7:50 pm

"I don't know. Whatever you get, I'll eat too." He took a few deep breaths to calm himself and bring himself back to a functional level. He took a step back from himself to view the situation as a whole.

Okay, so Caleb is really sweet and is getting my food for me. He caught me when I fell. Which was sexy. Everything about Caleb is sexy. He shook his head and started over. Caleb was probably his friend now and he didn't have to worry about having panic attacks around him, although he probably had to find ways to restore his manhood to make up for his faint and helpless first impressions on his instant crush. But he could worry about getting in a random fistfight in front of Caleb later. It didn't seem like the boys who had been staring at him were anywhere around anymore, so it was probably safe to do as Caleb had suggested and confide in him. Caleb had no reason to suspect that his addiction to boys would have any affect on him, so he was fine. I mean, Caleb would probably wonder, but as long as he could stop acting like a total girl around him, everything would be okay.

His stomach lurched and his groin tensed and he cocked his neck and winced until he felt somewhat in control of himself again.

Okay. I can do this. It will be better just to have everything out and the open, I don't normally act so pathetic, so maybe once everything is out there, I'll feel more comfortable as myself. Yeah. Okay, good. And I don't really act gay, so it isn't like I'm ever going to have to go through this after I tell Caleb. And once he and I are together it isn't like we're going to publically announce it, and we can just deny all accustations and so it isn't a problem. He paused and reflected. I think I might be getting ahead of myself a bit...

He waited patiently for Caleb to return so he could spill his guts for the first time in his life.

caleb ryan sarcelier · Subject: Re: Great Minds. [ caleb & jamie | continued ] March 16th 2009, 8:13 pm

"Alright." he said. He was half afraid to leave Jamie in case something were to happen to him again. In case some bully came over and he felt the need to faint again. He had no idea what that was all about, but he hoped he wouldn't have to be around to see it again. It killed him to see such a nice boy feel and act like that. He walked off towards the line, pleased to see the line was shortening, and looked back one last time to see Jamie in the same position as he left him; sitting sprawled on his chair calming his breath. It was so pathetic it was cute. He smiled as he turned around thinking about how exactly he was going to tell him about his life. He ran his hand through his hair and as he arrived at his spot in line he put both hands in pocket as he tried not to think so hard.

At last he was in reach of the buffet line. He was so hungry he could have eaten the whole table, with the exception on the orange chicken and the sesame chicken at the start of the table. Ah damn! he suddenly thought I forgot to ask if he ate meat. Okay, I'm sure he does....I mean he didn't say he didn't....what guy besides me doesn't...I mean.... "DUDE." the girl behind him in line remarked "Are you going to get the chicken or can you move forward so I can?" Caleb blinked and shook his head back to reality. "Sorry" his voice was quiet and he grabbed two plates. He piled one spoonful of each of the chicken dishes onto to Jamie's plate. By the time he was finished with the line he had Veggies and wantons on his plate and everything under the sun on Jamie's. He hoped he could make it back to the table without spilling his food. It weighed a ton.

As he arrived at the table he awkwardly made his presence known. "Um hi." He flashed a quick qrin and worked his way around the table so he could sit across from Jamie. He set his plate down first and as he set Jamie's down he informed him "I know you said to get whatever I got, but I'm a firm vegetarian and I know most people aren't." he chuckled a little at the obvious truth on his plate and said "Oh wait, I forgot the drinks" He sprung out of his seat and asked "Water okay?" and without waiting for a response he hurried off- and before long was he was back with two waters spilling from the brim. He urged Jamie to take it quickly. "I must inform you, I'm not the most graceful of waiters." He winked at Jamie as he sat down and raised in glass as a toast.

jamie lynn cross · Subject: Re: Great Minds. [ caleb & jamie | continued ] March 16th 2009, 8:42 pm

He was glad when Caleb returned. He was beginning to get nervous because he had been waiting to tell his friend for just long enough where he was starting to have second thoughts. Second thoughts were bad. But his mind was immediately distracted when he got a plate literally stacked with everything remotely edible placed in front of him. Caleb was saying something about being a vegetarian but Jamie couldn't see past his plate. Metaphorically speaking, anyways. "Um, this really isn't -" He was going to say necessary, because he wasn't very hungry and was still feeling a little off, but before he could finish, Caleb was running off to get drinks.

"Water is fine." He muttered, even though Caleb was already gone. He moved his plate a little out of the way and resigned his head into his palms and waited again. When the boy was finally back, he sighed with relief. He didn't even notice when Caleb winked - he was so foccused on getting the damn secret out before it ate through his stomach and he was forced to miss out on such an amazing looking meal.

"Um, yeah. That's fine. Really. So what was bothering me, and I really need to get out and everything....Well, I mean, if we are going to be friends I should be able to trust you and you should be able to know the most personal things about me and I just want to make sure you know this in case you aren't alright with it, though I don't think you'll really mind, but other people might tease you because of me and you might not want to put up with that so I think you should know that, um, well...I'm..." Just say it, he thought.

"Caleb, I'm gay." He exhaled and while he nervously awaited Caleb's reaction, he felt a giant weight float off his shoulders.

caleb ryan sarcelier · Subject: Re: Great Minds. [ caleb & jamie | continued ] March 16th 2009, 9:08 pm

He toasted and then took a sip. The water was so cold it felt great on his throat. Before he was done swallowing Jamie let of a stream of nervous thoughts and statements and it all ended with 'Caleb, I'm gay'. He swallowed and as he sat down his glass he wiped of his chin from a small amount of water that had dripped on it. His friend exhaled loudly as he waited for a response. Caleb really didn't know how to respond. His expression was calm and he didn't think less of Jamie, this really wasn't something that bothered him. So this was the big news he was dreading telling me? He thought to himself how every secret is hard for the person telling it, so he sympathized with Jamie.

"I don't think less of you at all." He said to assure Jamie everything was okay. He sat back in his chair and started eating the food on his plate. He was too hungry to coax the boy into calming down so he hoped his expression and words were enough. He never really thought about his own sexuality before and to him it was odd how someone could be so worried about being open about it. As he broke open his wanton with a fork he wondered if he even had one.

jamie lynn cross · Subject: Re: Great Minds. [ caleb & jamie | continued ] March 16th 2009, 9:27 pm

That was it? That's all he's gonna say? I mean, I'm glad he isn't running to get a bible and a pitch fork, but um...is he like, really out of the loop?

As Jamie kept thinking about how ridiculous it was for Caleb to be so calm about what he had just revealed to him, he began to build it up. He got offended, big time. He knew he was making it more than it was - after all, this boy was supportive. Except it wasn't that he supported him for what he was in a time like this that was somehow even harder to survive in as a gay man then it had been back in the days when the United States was having issues passing gay marriage laws (and keeping them). In these days, you would be executed by anyone who got the okay from the government. Homosexuals were almost seen as rare game in a never ending hunting season. And while it was nice that Caleb didn't think less of him, he obviously didn't get the bigger picture. How could he really support him if he didn't even know what it meant to be gay in times like this? How could they be friends if Caleb couldn't contemplate what Jamie was up against, and what he would be too if they stayed friends? He couldn't. And while Jamie knew it wasn't fair to be upset with Caleb for this, he couldn't help himself. He was emotional and hypersensitive today, and Caleb needed a reality check one way or another. Best to let him have it before he actually started deluding himself that he had a chance in hell with the clueless model that sat across from him. He leapt to his feet and whispered harshly at the european wonder.

"You don't think less of me? That's great. But you are acting like this is no big deal, which it shouldn't be, I agree. You have probably never even met a gay man in your life, and have probably hardly ever heard of gay existence, becuse there is none on this planet anymore. You have no idea what it means to be gay these days. It isn't some silly little secret that a high school boy thinks is a big deal. It IS a big deal. That's great that you aren't judging me for who I love, but the rest of the world does. So don't sit there all smug and shrug it off. I could be killed if a]nyone in this hall overhears me and tells the government regulations man, whenever the hell he comes to check out the new academy. I COULD BE KILLED, CALEB. So don't sit there like this doesn't matter." He looked at his plate, not feeling the slightest bit hungry. "I'm sorry but I have to go. I can't be here right now. You don't really deserve me yelling at you, because you don't really know any better than to think what you do. But if we are going to be friends, you are going to have to realize that what I just said isn't something you shrug off. It is a big part of you that you hide everyday. It's something that could change your life forever. I wouldn't want you to get in trouble being friends with someone who's gay just because you didn't know what you were getting involved with." He didn't let his face fall until he had turned on his heel.

He headed straight for the dorms, where he planned on hiding until he was done sobbing his bleeding heart out.

caleb ryan sarcelier · Subject: Re: Great Minds. [ caleb & jamie | continued ] March 16th 2009, 9:43 pm

Caleb was shocked by Jamie's reaction. It was true that he didn't know how big of a deal it really was. He was raised on a secluded farm in the middle of Canada - how was he supposed to know? The only thing he knew was that his parents never had sex and he was surprised he was even born. They hated each other. How was he supposed to know anything more? This was the first time in his twenty-two years of life that he had been around this many diverse people.

As the boy lashed it out on him he sat there in silence taking it. He noted the boy was aware of his ignorance but that didn't stop the steady flow of words coming from his mouth. He was hurt that Jamie was so angry with him and not even giving him the change to explain why he was so ignorant. As the boy stormed off he looked back down at his plate. He wasn't even hungry anymore. The veggies were stale and the wantons were now cold. There's not much to eat on Asian day, he noted. Even if there was he was now sick to his stomach.

I thought Jamie was nice. I mean he is nice....or was nice. He sighed off his thoughts and rubbed both hands over his face. He was beginning to get emotional, even though he felt it silly because he had only just met Jamie. What was he expecting anyway?

He wasted no time in throwing Jamie and his plates away along with his and Jamie's water glass. He couldn't stand being in the cafeteria any longer- all he wanted to do now was go back to his dorm to listen to music, draw, and to try and stop himself from crying.