The Cost of Running.

raphael anton reef · Subject: The Cost of Running. December 10th 2008, 1:42 am

Running was comfortable to Raphael. It was progress that he could feel and control. Afterwards he had an adrenaline rush, and the overall affect was that doing so kept him in shape. It was the perfect activity. It was also his escape, and it was bad when you used something healthy for you as a means of something unhealthy, because eventually you realize what you are doing and then all your fun is ruined, and you can no longer enjoy whatever your activity was. He slowed down, monitoring his breathing and avoiding a disheartened frown.

Since when could I no longer run without feeling depressed? This used to give me a high. With that thought he wiped himself off with his towel and slung it around his neck, speed walking towards the risers that looked out over the field. He stared out at the brightly lit track for a good minute before admitting he actually had a problem.

Okay. So ever since I came here to live with Nik and Zina, I've been happy. I got what I wanted and I have a sense of pride in the estate and I know that this is where I belong. I am flattered by the role of groundskeeper, and know I will be successful in my duties. I know there is no one better to manage the theatre and teach acting lessons as well. So the only problem then would involve people. As of yet, there are no people here but Nik, Zina and I. Well no, there are a few students and a handful of professors. But I hardly know any of them and have even met some of the other professors, and they have been nothing but kind and courteous. So this leaves Nik and Zina. Nik is, well, Nik. But he is a great and admirable man, and an incredibly generous brother and employer. We don't really disagree about anything as of yet, and I cannot think of anything he has said or done which might have upset me. So that leaves Zina.

And then it hit him like a ton of bricks what exactly was bothering him, and he kicked a trashcan nearby and threw his towel to the stands in a rage. That was such a stupid thing to feel and for Zina of all people. She was like his sister, and he knew that was how Zina felt about him. And whether she felt otherwise or not didn't matter, because for what it was worth, she was already engaged to Nik. Of course, she wasn't really, but she may as well have been. Everyone who knew anything about any of them knew that the only reason Nik and Zina weren't married was because of Nik's issues with commitment, which made no sense, because he had never heard of his brother being with anyone other than Zina, nor could he imagine it. Of course, he knew nothing of Nik's failed previous marriage, but even if he had the insight he was missing, it was true that Nikolai Reef hardly belonged with anyone other than the alluring and captivating Ms. Zina Marie Schon.

He fell onto the grass and closed his eyes. He didn't want to think anymore. Maybe if he just shut himself off for a bit this would all go away.

jeremiah thomas bentman · Subject: Re: The Cost of Running. December 10th 2008, 1:42 pm

Jeremiah couldn't sleep. He was still plagued on occasion with visions of his past - the dreams were less often but more vivid when they came, and when they came he knew they were just dreams, but he couldn't escape them easily. Even though he knew they were dreams, it did not make the sight they tortured him with any easier. Because while the memory was just a dream, it had once been real. He found himself staring upon the head of his former student Patrick Garrickson, the boy's expression wide-eyed and tortured. The head dangled from the string that he himself used almost every day in order to pull his maps down from the ceiling, and on the board, written in blood was one simple sentence; "THERE ARE NO MARTYRS HERE." It was wrong, completely wrong. The act deserved a more vivid adjective but none came to him at the time, nor did one come after years of reflection. But the Board had successfully wiped out all rebellion from their once acclaimed high school, and then sent their own officials and placed them as the heads of departments. Ever since then the school had not really taught anything of any use. Jeremiah was glad to be leaving, and glad to be moving to Numinis Academy, where he could work with the great man he considered Nikolai Reef to be, and where he could work towards assisting the prince in his ultimate goal to underhandedly destroy the Board that seemed to be leeching happiness and freedom from society at large.

It was in his battered insomnia that Jeremiah wandered outside, despite the cold. Cold was often cleansing to him. It certainly got his thoughts away from his previous discomfort. Not wanting to go back inside, but deciding it was too cold, he decided to go run a lap or two around the track. He didn't have his bike with him, which was torturous, but he could make due with running for now. He wasn't especially dressed for exercise, but it was three in the morning, and he didn't expect anyone else to be around.

His heart nearly exploded when he entered the insulated track and field to see a body lying in the grass. His instincts kicked into high gear and adrenaline mixed with fear and shot through his body like a jolt of electricity. He ran over to where the body lie, shouting, and dropped to his knees before the corpse of Raphael Reef, Nikolai's half-brother, and began to shake him with all his strength.

raphael anton reef · Subject: Re: The Cost of Running. December 11th 2008, 4:33 pm

His dream was calm, even peaceful. It did not at all reflect the thoughts or feelings he had been having before falling asleep on the field. He was on a beach, presumably in France. He'd visited one once on a vacation with Father Brian. He was wearing over-sized white sunglasses and tight, athletic swim shorts. He had a surfing board next to him and was smiling as he sunbathed on his towel. He sensed a familiar presence next to him, but never looked over to see who it was. He didn't care. The feeling of the sun on him seemed to nullify all thought and feeling with a blissfully radiant warmth. If he died like that, right there, he could have moved on happy.

But no. Suddenly the presence next to him was shouting. He couldn't process what was happening fast enough to turn around and see what was wrong. Suddenly he was being viciously shaken. He recognized the man's voice but couldn't see his face. Suddenly the warmth was receding and he wasn't comfortable anymore...

He woke with a jolt, eyes wide and confused. He took in his surroundings after he jumped to his feet, standing in a defensive position. He noticed the blinding track lights, the field, the insolation bubble...oh right. He had been jogging and must have passed out when he lay down to rest. But who was attacking him? He noted the new addition to his brother's crew, Professor Jeremiah Bentman. Why the Hell was Bentman attacking him? No, he'd been shaking him. Maybe trying to wake him up? Well that was a very strange way to try and wake me; a little cruel even.

Then he realized that the man had probably figured him for dead or something, and couldn't help but laugh. "I'm sorry sir. I fell asleep. Nothing to worry about. I'm sorry if I frightened you. What brings you here so early?" He was having a hard time wiping the smile off his face.

jeremiah thomas bentman · Subject: Re: The Cost of Running. December 12th 2008, 12:44 pm

After recoverring from his initial shock and near heart attack at seeing a man he had honestly thought was somehow dead, he took a moment to review everything the corpse had just uttered.

What a talkative man. Or maybe I've just gone and scared him as well. Or maybe he just has a nervous personality.

"No, no. My apologies. I shouldn't be so paranoid all the time." He gave a nervous chuckle and lightly thew up his hands in a surrendering gesture. "What can I say? I guess I'm convinced everyone around me has a death wish." You wouldn't blame me if you knew. Maybe you do know. You are the Headmaster's brother. Why was he dwelling so bitterly on Patrick's death today? Why were the dreams so vivid? Shouldn't this setting be making it go away? Help him end the pain and lose the memories?

"Raphael...you are Headmaster Reef's brother, correct? From Ireland, I think. I didn't read the profiles - I'm not allowed. But I can tell by your accent. It is very faint but it lingers. I am honored to meet you. What your family has done for me, allowing me to come and teach here - it means the world to me." It saved my life. It gave me purpose.

He stuck out his hand, his face showing a grateful smile.

raphael anton reef · Subject: Re: The Cost of Running. January 13th 2009, 12:07 am

jeremiah thomas bentman · Subject: Re: The Cost of Running. March 16th 2009, 12:36 pm

He closed his eyes, wishing himself to be elsewhere. Wishing that he wouldn't have to relive what happened. Praying that he wouldn't have to recall the story out loud - again, for the second time in his life. "The first person I told my story to was very understanding. He gave me a chance for a better life. He gave me a chance to live for my principles and not have to worry about getting killed for them. He gave me a chance to help other students the way I used to, before I was afraid that making in a difference in their lives was apt to get them killed and nothing else. I can make a difference again. I can have faith that my students have futures again. I don't have to worry that the government will kill them because I have inspired individuality in them. I don't have to wonder if getting close to someone is a mistake because they are only going to be taken from me. I can live in peace here, under the roof of an academy with a noble mission and an honorable headmaster who completely sympathized with my plight." His eyes met Raphael's and he recognized the calm within the man before him, and reached out for the compassion he could sense in the younger man's heart. Tears welled in his eyes and he looked away, pausing until his voice was calm.

"Professor, I should be okay here. I have had years to recover the initial trauma of seeing my student murdered in a most inhuman way. I was close to him, but I have had enough time to recover that the only thing that should have still caused depression within me was the simple feeling that I had nothing better to look forward to, nothing to live for, and the feeling that what brought me the most joy in life - to teach and affect students as I have described - was gone forever. None of that should matter anymore because here, it is like the golden days are restored, and I see so many promising young minds that I get to work with. I don't know why you are the unfortunate soul I am spewing all this on. I apologize. It's just...everything should be better here. And it felt perfect again. But now the worry is back. Stronger than before. But it isn't paranoia from the past. I am having nightmares that bring up the past, and magnify my insecurities - as you have personally witnessed. But I can't shake the feeling that what happened in the past will affect my future. Like everything I have endured - like all that was just the beginning. I cannot shake the feeling that it is going to happen all over again, but worse this time." He couldn't manage anymore words. He stared intently at the terf, repressing a shiver from what he had actually just confessed. He just realized exactly what was going on for the first time himself. He could only imagine how Raphael must take this. The man must think him a crazy old man. But it was true - every last word. And it scarred him to death.

raphael anton reef · Subject: Re: The Cost of Running. April 17th 2009, 6:18 pm

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jeremiah thomas bentman · Subject: Re: The Cost of Running. April 17th 2009, 6:19 pm

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